OUT-OF-WORK ACTION HERO

The Boar.  Or pig, if you prefer.  Appropriate, given that my name (Stuart) is derived from the word "steward" (as in "caretaker"), which is itself derived from the term "sty ward."  The guy who wards over the pig sty.

It seems to me that there's precisely one Celtic men's name that DOESN'T mean "the warrior."  And I got it.

Seriously, people, if you like to dress in all black, have chains hanging from your wallet to your belt loop, and insist on wearing sunglasses even when you haven't actually personally experienced sunlight, JUST DO IT. Why all the nonsense about "oh, my eyes are really sensitive to light"? Or "all black clothing doesn't show stains as easily"? Or "I want to be sure I don't lose my wallet"?

It's a look. Fine. Whatever. I get that. It's not one I go for personally. But I'm a little out of the demographic anyway, given that I'm homing in on 40. But come off it. Your eyes aren't supersensitive to light. You just think you look cool wearing shades everywhere. And that's fine. That's your prerogative. Personally, I think you look daft. But I'd think that whether you had a medical reason or no. (I'd feel guilty about it, but I'd still think you looked daft.)

I was in high school in the late 80s. That means I tried (and failed) to pull of some spectacularly lame Don Johnson imitations. Imagine, for a moment, if the casting director had hired Anthony Michael Hall instead. Breakfast Club Anthony Michael Hall. Not Dead Zone Anthony Michael Hall. That was me. EXACTLY.

So here's my list of excuses:

1) I didn't wear socks because I was trying to spare my mum the extra laundry. (Nevermind that my white canvas boat shoes were possessed by stank demons as a direct result. We didn't launder those.) 

2) I rolled the cuffs on all my pants in that clever cinched roll because that way I wouldn't trip on them.

3) I buttoned my shirts all the way to the top because I didn't want my Chuck Norris-style hairy chest making the other lads feeling inadequate.

4) I rolled my shirt sleeves up all the time because, despite #3, I still wanted them to know who was boss. Courtesy of my Chuck Norris-style hairy forearms.

5) Yes, the proper technical term for that hairstyle is "feathered."  I didn't write the damn manual.  And there's nothing inherently unmanly about Aqua Net either, thanks very much. I just don't want my eighth-of-an-inch hair getting in my eyes (which are located a bit further away from my hairline than an eighth of an inch, but I take no chances).

and 6) You just wait.  Cargo pants will come back around.  And then I'll be sitting pretty!  (I was actually right about that one.  Score!)

I recently came across a Top 10 list of martial arts movies. Personally, I thought it was a pretty good list. I've watched everything on it, I think. And enjoyed the vast majority of them. But it also started me thinking how difficult it is for me to do "top 10" lists. Particularly about movies. So instead of a "top 10 martial arts movies" list, I'm just doing a "martial arts movies you'd probably dig on, if you haven't already" list.

And it goes a-somethin' like this:

1) Ong Bak (Thai; stars Tony Jaa; directed by Panna Rittikrai) -- Does for muay thai what Steven Seagal did (for a time) for aikido. Man, if you don't come out of this flick thinking that flying knees and elbows are the greatest invention since laser toast, get your pulse checked. Tony Jaa is like a Thai Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee wrapped in one. He's got that "fish out of water" vibe that Lee used so well, but the stuntwork of Chan. And a Thai cultural vibe that I can essentially guarantee most viewers won't have seen before.

2) Tom Yum Goong/The Protector (Thai; stars Tony Jaa; directed by Panna Rittikrai) -- Essentially, it's Ong Bak all over again. Where Jaa's character was searching for a Buddha head in Bangkok the last time, this time it's an elephant in Sydney, Australia. Both offer an interesting insight into Thai values. But, as important, both involve ludicrous amounts of ass whuppin' in the Thai style. The setups in this movie are slightly more improbable and slightly more spectacular. I prefer Ong Bak just slightly. But you've got to see the scene where Jaa works his way up a tower, taking out bad guys, without a single cut scene or edit from start to finish. Great flick.

3) Bang Rajan (Thai) -- This is probably a martial arts movie in the same sense that Braveheart is a martial arts movie. Lots of warfare and swordplay, though choreography isn't really the focus. That said, the battle scenes are good, the acting is top notch, and (again) it's a great look at the new wave of Thai cinema. Bang Rajan is a small village that stands between the Siamese capital (Ayodhya?) and the invading Burmese army. Described as "The Thai Braveheart" by Francis Ford Coppola (I think).

4) Chok Dee (Thai/French; starring Dida Diafat) -- Last Thai-themed flick. I promise. Dida stars in a largely autobiographical film about a young Frenchman who resolves to start over again after a stint in prison. He travels to Thailand and gets accepted at a well-known muay thai training camp. It's less over-the-top than most of the movies on this list. Think Karate Kid if Daniel-san was actually, you know, skilled. Good drama, good fights, and plenty of the beloved training montage.

5) Muscle Heat (Japanese; starring Kane Kosugi) -- Yep. Kane Kosugi. Son of famed 80s ninja Sho Kosugi. And all growed up. Sure, the title makes it sound like a porn. But take my word for it. It's good. Kosugi plays Joe, a Japanese American operative with mercifully few lines of dialogue and plenty of enemies. The movie is set in the near future, where the streets are being flooded with a new narcotic called "muscle heat", and where fighters compete in underground matches to the death. Look for Ken Lo (Jackie Chan's former bodyguard and frequent costar) as a muscle heat-augmented gladiator.

6) Banlieu 13/B13/District 13 (French; starring David Belle and Cyril Raffaelli) -- Movies like Casino Royale have recently put the French "parkour" (or free running) on display for a wider audience. But B13 showcases it from start to finish. Belle is apparently one of the founders of parkour. And Raffaelli is a talented martial arts star who can also be found in Jet Li's Kiss of the Dragon (both movies being produced by Luc Besson). Another near future setup. This time it's a city walled off from the rest of society, much like Escape from New York. A nuclear weapon has fallen into the wrong hands. And only people who can somersault off a rooftop can save us.

7) Fist of Legend (HK; starring Jet Li; directed by Yuen Wo Ping) -- This movie illustrates why it's so difficult to narrow down a list like this. Jet Li has made numerous excellent martial arts movies. And Yuen Wo Ping has starred in, directed, or choreographed countless great flicks (including more recent entries, like The Matrix, Kill Bill, Crouching Tiger...) But if I HAD to choose just one, this would be it. A remake of Bruce Lee's Chinese Connection, the choreography in this one is top notch. Watch it and the original for a full evening of kung fu(n)... Yeah, sorry about that.

[Screw it. Just for the challenge, I'm not listing a single Bruce Lee movie. So there.]

8) Best of the Best (US; starring Phillip Rhee and Eric Roberts) -- Yes, there's only one protagonist with a proper martial arts background. And yes, it's awfully derivative of the Rocky series. And yes, watching Sally Kellerman pretend to be a spiritual advisor is excrutiating. But holy crap, the fights in this flick are worth seeing. Particularly when Phillip Rhee squares off with his real-life brother Simon (both high-level taekwondo competitors) for the final fight. As a showcase of taekwondo, this movie is imperative.

9) Rapid Fire (US; starring Brandon Lee) -- I didn't say I wouldn't list movies starring Bruce Lee's son. The Crow is a better movie in most regards. But Rapid Fire is a little more focused on the martial arts. And it's a lot of fun to see how the son resembles AND differs from the father. His loss was a real tragedy. Lee plays Jake Lo, an art student who wanders into the midst of a gang war between the Mafia and the Chinese Triads. Hilarity (read: violence) ensues. Look for the fight between Lee and fellow JKD exponent (and reliable martial arts movie villain) Al Leong.

10) I'm going to cheat on this one and run off a short list of recent movies that aren't really martial arts movies, but do have very good martial arts sequences in them. I think Hollywood has come a long way in terms of fight scenes. In various flavours, at that. We've got the over-the-top fight scenes (e.g., The Matrix and the Blade movies choreographed by Jeff Ward and Donnie Yen), as well as the more "realistic" action of the Bourne movies and Casino Royale.

And just in case people think that last one was a cop out, here's a bonus:

11) Push Hands (Chinese; directed by Ang Lee) -- Before Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Ang Lee made this small movie about an aged taijiquan (aka tai chi ch'uan) teacher who moves in with his Americanized son and American daughter. It's a great study of cultures. Don't look for a lot of martial arts action. The martial arts in this are less spectacle and more analogy. For life. And flowing with change. And overcoming obstacles... Get it? Is this thing on? Bah, why do I bother?!

Okay, that's it. Not a top 10 (or 11), but I hope I hit a few that people haven't heard of yet and might dig. I'm sure I'll do another at some point. God knows I've seen enough movies to drum up another list.

EDIT: How did I forget Iron and Silk? The semi-autobiographical account of Mark Salzman, an American who travels to China to teach English and learn Chinese martial arts (kung fu or, more correctly in the PRC, wushu). Again, the martial arts is more an analogy for the development of the character, and less a spectacle. Don't expect to be wowed by the fight scenes. But it's a good depiction of martial arts as a transformative experience (as is Chok Dee).

What are you afraid of?

The fact that we seem to constantly be in need of new modifiers for the word "squid." "Giant" just isn't enough anymore. Now they're "colossal." How long before "gargantuan, ill-tempered, and loaded for bear" becomes the adjective of choice?

What was the last wedding you went to? Were you in the wedding?

Huh. Interesting feature. Apparently, if I can't find something to blog about, LiveJournal just gives me a topic. Okey dokey. Why not?

My friends James and Nicole got married in Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada. A couple of years ago now, I guess. And yes, I was in the wedding. I was a groomsman.

Coincidentally, that was also the last time I 1) stayed up until 3am, 2) roomed with lesbians, and 3) had to use my passport. (Those three things being in no way, shape, or form related.)

You know, this job search thing would probably be a lot more entertaining if I treated writing my resume like making an RPG character.

Name: ap Oweyn
Class: 10th level editor/writer (dual classed); with two levels of mental health counselor
Diety: The All-Mighty Dollar (I gots ta get paid!)

Skills: Longsword, archery, HTML, martial arts, GPO style guide, firearms (paintball), group counseling, drive (car), keyboarding (60 wpm)

Equipment: Red pencils (+2 against bad grammar)

References: Available upon ye quest

---

There! Done.

Crimson Rivers: Angels of the Apocalypse (2004)

Directed by Olivier Dahan
Starring Jean Reno, Benoît Magimel, Christopher Lee

The sequel to Crimson Rivers (2000), Angels of the Apocalypse sees Commissaire Pierre Niemans embroiled in another murder investigation with more twists and turns than… something that seems applicable.

This time, he finds himself partnered with rookie police inspector Reda and religious studies expert Marie as they investigate a series of brutal murders, the victims of which all share the names and occupations of the disciples of Christ. The story begins with a body found bricked into a monastery wall and expands to encompass the breaking of the seven seals and the discovery of a book supposedly written by God.

I’m going to get the criticism out of the way early, because I really enjoyed this film and I’d rather end with the praise. The story makes very little sense to me. Even as I’m writing a brief synopsis of it, I keep thinking ‘that makes no sense.’ Personally (and maybe strangely) that didn’t bother me much at the time. And not much more now. In any event, it’s pretty clear that the filmmakers had more luck crafting a cool action movie than they did crafting a masterful storyline. (We are talking about a script written by Luc Besson, though, so if I were a betting man, I’d have wagered on a fantastic action move in the first place.)

My main problem with the storyline isn’t actually that it seems unlikely. I’m fine with unlikely storylines. Try working up an appreciation for martial arts, horror, and action movies without that vital attribute. But the characters seem completely disjointed from the material. It’s a story about discovering the most unbelievable treasure in the world. (Granted, it may have gotten lost in the subtitles from French that the book isn’t literally considered to be the work of God, but it’s still pretty damn important.) And the characters don’t approach it with nearly the weight you see in, say, The DaVinci Code (which is pretty similar, including the presence of a police inspector played by Jean Reno, as it happens).

Marie, the expert on Christian mythology, seems to know all about the current situation (which is, presumably, why she was called in to begin with) but doesn’t seem particularly fazed by it. So when the heroic trio recover a pendant belonging to Lothaire II, which Marie informs us is actually a key to the resting place of this book, she’s very matter-of-fact about it. It comes off sounding akin to this:

Me: “Hey Brian, can you give me a hand moving this dresser?”
Brian: “Sure. Doesn’t look that heavy though.”
Me: “Yeah, it shouldn’t be. But it turns out the bottom drawer is a gateway to Narnia.”
Brian. “Huh. Okay then. Where are we putting it?”

All that said, the mystery is still engaging enough that I wanted to see how it played out. Even if I didn’t think it carried the gravitas it should have (assuming I’m using that word correctly, and that isn’t likely).

On to the action (and the praise): Jean Reno is excellent. I love this guy. Have done ever since The Professional (aka León). La Femme Nikita, Ronin, Wasabi, etc. The guy’s just cool. It’s been proven. By science.

Then there’s Reda. He was a surprise hit. Benoît Magimel may be a well-known actor in France. But I’d certainly never heard of him. So it was a welcome surprise when, in the intro scene for Reda, he engages in one of the best “realistic” fight sequences I’ve seen in a long time. If you’re a fan of the fight sequences in The Bourne Identity and Supremacy or the latest Bond film—Casino Royale—you’ll probably enjoy this one. Speaking of Casino Royale, Angels of the Apocalypse also features a really good foot chase in which parkour features heavily. Not surprisingly, the prey in that chase is played by none other than Besson favourite Cyril Raffaelli, who played a villain opposite Jet Li in Besson’s Kiss of the Dragon, but really came into his own as a hero in the more recent parkour/martial arts crossover Banlieu 13 (known to American audiences, who apparently can’t be trusted to pronounce French words, simply as B13).

Raffaelli, though, doesn’t get any face time in this movie. Had I not seen his name in the credits, I’m not sure I would’ve known it was him. (After all, parkour originate in France, and they’ve probably got a lot of parkour artists over there.) He plays one (or more) of the mysterious hooded monks who consistently foil our heroes’ efforts to unravel the murder case. He’s always donning a cowl and robes, so you never see his features. Sounds like a small thing, but it really is very effective in making the monks seem like a real menace. (That and their ability to leap from buildings, launch Reda with a kick, and shoot crossbows with deadly accuracy, that is.)

[Spoiler alert] Christopher Lee, not surprisingly, does a nice job as the nefarious mastermind behind it all. This guy could play “evil” in his sleep. And while he doesn’t get as much screen time as I might have liked, he does handle what little menace isn’t already taken care of by the faceless monks.

This movie does suffer from one of the most literal “deus ex machina” endings I’ve ever seen. And some viewers may find it a little disappointing. But on balance, Reno and Magimel have enough charisma and the film enough action that (if you’re anything like me) you’ll be very inclined to forgive this movie its shortcomings for the sake of a roof-jumping, clip-emptying, car-bombing good time.

If Die Hard had ever sidled up to The DaVinci Code in a bar, after The DaVinci Code had recently been dumped and was feeling particularly vulnerable, Crimson Rivers: Angels of the Apocalypse would likely have been the (French) result.

My birthday was Monday. I'm now closer to 40 than to 30. Which doesn't bother me in the slightest, strangely enough. My mother-in-law gave me a card that, when opened, plays "domo arigato, Mr. Roboto." When they show the commercials on tellie for the musical greeting cards, the whole thing looks pretty inspidid. But sitting at our kitchen table, my wife and 2-year-old daughter laughing as I "do the robot", it's difficult to imagine a better greeting card. Hell, yesterday, my daughter was still dancing around the kitchen to that song.

Thank you, Eighties. Thank you, Styx. And thank you, Sally.

I've just spent my lunch break browsing Star Wars fan art. Some of which is extremely well done. But man alive, if I see one more "warrior" character wielding improbable bladed weapons and striking bizarre poses, I'm going to... probably keep browsing. (Take that!)

Darius Darkbladestorm, Sabre Dancer of the Bloodtears Cabal... aka Stuart

Philosophy (n) Exercise in which one or more individuals attempt to devise the most circuitous and confrontational way of saying "I don't know."