Seriously, people, if you like to dress in all black, have chains hanging from your wallet to your belt loop, and insist on wearing sunglasses even when you haven't actually personally experienced sunlight, JUST DO IT. Why all the nonsense about "oh, my eyes are really sensitive to light"? Or "all black clothing doesn't show stains as easily"? Or "I want to be sure I don't lose my wallet"?

It's a look. Fine. Whatever. I get that. It's not one I go for personally. But I'm a little out of the demographic anyway, given that I'm homing in on 40. But come off it. Your eyes aren't supersensitive to light. You just think you look cool wearing shades everywhere. And that's fine. That's your prerogative. Personally, I think you look daft. But I'd think that whether you had a medical reason or no. (I'd feel guilty about it, but I'd still think you looked daft.)

I was in high school in the late 80s. That means I tried (and failed) to pull of some spectacularly lame Don Johnson imitations. Imagine, for a moment, if the casting director had hired Anthony Michael Hall instead. Breakfast Club Anthony Michael Hall. Not Dead Zone Anthony Michael Hall. That was me. EXACTLY.

So here's my list of excuses:

1) I didn't wear socks because I was trying to spare my mum the extra laundry. (Nevermind that my white canvas boat shoes were possessed by stank demons as a direct result. We didn't launder those.) 

2) I rolled the cuffs on all my pants in that clever cinched roll because that way I wouldn't trip on them.

3) I buttoned my shirts all the way to the top because I didn't want my Chuck Norris-style hairy chest making the other lads feeling inadequate.

4) I rolled my shirt sleeves up all the time because, despite #3, I still wanted them to know who was boss. Courtesy of my Chuck Norris-style hairy forearms.

5) Yes, the proper technical term for that hairstyle is "feathered."  I didn't write the damn manual.  And there's nothing inherently unmanly about Aqua Net either, thanks very much. I just don't want my eighth-of-an-inch hair getting in my eyes (which are located a bit further away from my hairline than an eighth of an inch, but I take no chances).

and 6) You just wait.  Cargo pants will come back around.  And then I'll be sitting pretty!  (I was actually right about that one.  Score!)