OUT-OF-WORK ACTION HERO

Writer's Block: Chinese New Year

2008-02-06T18:05:19Z

2008 is the Year of the Rat. Which animal year were you born in?

The Boar. Or pig, if you prefer. Appropriate, given that my name (Stuart) is derived from the word "steward" (as in "caretaker"), which is itself derived from the term "sty ward." The guy who wards over the pig sty.

It seems to me that there's precisely one Celtic men's name that DOESN'T mean "the warrior." And I got it.

Why, oh why?

2007-10-22T16:46:18Z

Seriously, people, if you like to dress in all black, have chains hanging from your wallet to your belt loop, and insist on wearing sunglasses even when you haven't actually personally experienced sunlight, JUST DO IT. Why all the nonsense about "oh, my eyes are really sensitive to light"? Or "all black clothing doesn't show stains as easily"? Or "I want to be sure I don't lose my wallet"?

It's a look. Fine. Whatever. I get that. It's not one I go for personally. But I'm a little out of the demographic anyway, given that I'm homing in on 40. But come off it. Your eyes aren't supersensitive to light. You just think you look cool wearing shades everywhere. And that's fine. That's your prerogative. Personally, I think you look daft. But I'd think that whether you had a medical reason or no. (I'd feel guilty about it, but I'd still think you looked daft.)

I was in high school in the late 80s. That means I tried (and failed) to pull of some spectacularly lame Don Johnson imitations. Imagine, for a moment, if the casting director had hired Anthony Michael Hall instead. Breakfast Club Anthony Michael Hall. Not Dead Zone Anthony Michael Hall. That was me. EXACTLY.

So here's my list of excuses:

1) I didn't wear socks because I was trying to spare my mum the extra laundry. (Nevermind that my white canvas boat shoes were possessed by stank demons as a direct result. We didn't launder those.)

2) I rolled the cuffs on all my pants in that clever cinched roll because that way I wouldn't trip on them.

3) I buttoned my shirts all the way to the top because I didn't want my Chuck Norris-style hairy chest making the other lads feeling inadequate.

4) I rolled my shirt sleeves up all the time because, despite #3, I still wanted them to know who was boss. Courtesy of my Chuck Norris-style hairy forearms.

5) Yes, the proper technical term for that hairstyle is "feathered." I didn't write the damn manual. And there's nothing inherently unmanly about Aqua Net either, thanks very much. I just don't want my eighth-of-an-inch hair getting in my eyes (which are located a bit further away from my hairline than an eighth of an inch, but I take no chances).

and 6) You just wait. Cargo pants will come back around. And then I'll be sitting pretty! (I was actually right about that one. Score!)

Top ten martial arts movies

2007-07-26T22:23:41Z

I recently came across a Top 10 list of martial arts movies. Personally, I thought it was a pretty good list. I've watched everything on it, I think. And enjoyed the vast majority of them. But it also started me thinking how difficult it is for me to do "top 10" lists. Particularly about movies. So instead of a "top 10 martial arts movies" list, I'm just doing a "martial arts movies you'd probably dig on, if you haven't already" list.

And it goes a-somethin' like this:

1) Ong Bak (Thai; stars Tony Jaa; directed by Panna Rittikrai) -- Does for muay thai what Steven Seagal did (for a time) for aikido. Man, if you don't come out of this flick thinking that flying knees and elbows are the greatest invention since laser toast, get your pulse checked. Tony Jaa is like a Thai Jackie Chan and Bruce Lee wrapped in one. He's got that "fish out of water" vibe that Lee used so well, but the stuntwork of Chan. And a Thai cultural vibe that I can essentially guarantee most viewers won't have seen before.

2) Tom Yum Goong/The Protector (Thai; stars Tony Jaa; directed by Panna Rittikrai) -- Essentially, it's Ong Bak all over again. Where Jaa's character was searching for a Buddha head in Bangkok the last time, this time it's an elephant in Sydney, Australia. Both offer an interesting insight into Thai values. But, as important, both involve ludicrous amounts of ass whuppin' in the Thai style. The setups in this movie are slightly more improbable and slightly more spectacular. I prefer Ong Bak just slightly. But you've got to see the scene where Jaa works his way up a tower, taking out bad guys, without a single cut scene or edit from start to finish. Great flick.

3) Bang Rajan (Thai) -- This is probably a martial arts movie in the same sense that Braveheart is a martial arts movie. Lots of warfare and swordplay, though choreography isn't really the focus. That said, the battle scenes are good, the acting is top notch, and (again) it's a great look at the new wave of Thai cinema. Bang Rajan is a small village that stands between the Siamese capital (Ayodhya?) and the invading Burmese army. Described as "The Thai Braveheart" by Francis Ford Coppola (I think).

4) Chok Dee (Thai/French; starring Dida Diafat) -- Last Thai-themed flick. I promise. Dida stars in a largely autobiographical film about a young Frenchman who resolves to start over again after a stint in prison. He travels to Thailand and gets accepted at a well-known muay thai training camp. It's less over-the-top than most of the movies on this list. Think Karate Kid if Daniel-san was actually, you know, skilled. Good drama, good fights, and plenty of the beloved training montage.

5) Muscle Heat (Japanese; starring Kane Kosugi) -- Yep. Kane Kosugi. Son of famed 80s ninja Sho Kosugi. And all growed up. Sure, the title makes it sound like a porn. But take my word for it. It's good. Kosugi plays Joe, a Japanese American operative with mercifully few lines of dialogue and plenty of enemies. The movie is set in the near future, where the streets are being flooded with a new narcotic called "muscle heat", and where fighters compete in underground matches to the death. Look for Ken Lo (Jackie Chan's former bodyguard and frequent costar) as a muscle heat-augmented gladiator.

6) Banlieu 13/B13/District 13 (French; starring David Belle and Cyril Raffaelli) -- Movies like Casino Royale have recently put the French "parkour" (or free running) on display for a wider audience. But B13 showcases it from start to finish. Belle is apparently one of the founders of parkour. And Raffaelli is a talented martial arts star who can also be found in Jet Li's Kiss of the Dragon (both movies being produced by Luc Besson). Another near future setup. This time it's a city walled off from the rest of society, much like Escape from New York. A nuclear weapon has fallen into the wrong hands. And only people who can somersault off a rooftop can save us.

7) Fist of Legend (HK; starring Jet Li; directed by Yuen Wo Ping) -- This movie illustrates why it's so difficult to narrow down a list like this. Jet Li has made numerous excellent martial arts movies. And Yuen Wo Ping has starred in, directed, or choreographed countless great flicks (including more recent entries, like The Matrix, Kill Bill, Crouching Tiger...) But if I HAD to choose just one, this would be it. A remake of Bruce Lee's Chinese Connection, the choreography in this one is top notch. Watch it and the original for a full evening of kung fu(n)... Yeah, sorry about that.

[Screw it. Just for the challenge, I'm not listing a single Bruce Lee movie. So there.]

8) Best of the Best (US; starring Phillip Rhee and Eric Roberts) -- Yes, there's only one protagonist with a proper martial arts background. And yes, it's awfully derivative of the Rocky series. And yes, watching Sally Kellerman pretend to be a spiritual advisor is excrutiating. But holy crap, the fights in this flick are worth seeing. Particularly when Phillip Rhee squares off with his real-life brother Simon (both high-level taekwondo competitors) for the final fight. As a showcase of taekwondo, this movie is imperative.

9) Rapid Fire (US; starring Brandon Lee) -- I didn't say I wouldn't list movies starring Bruce Lee's son. The Crow is a better movie in most regards. But Rapid Fire is a little more focused on the martial arts. And it's a lot of fun to see how the son resembles AND differs from the father. His loss was a real tragedy. Lee plays Jake Lo, an art student who wanders into the midst of a gang war between the Mafia and the Chinese Triads. Hilarity (read: violence) ensues. Look for the fight between Lee and fellow JKD exponent (and reliable martial arts movie villain) Al Leong.

10) I'm going to cheat on this one and run off a short list of recent movies that aren't really martial arts movies, but do have very good martial arts sequences in them. I think Hollywood has come a long way in terms of fight scenes. In various flavours, at that. We've got the over-the-top fight scenes (e.g., The Matrix and the Blade movies choreographed by Jeff Ward and Donnie Yen), as well as the more "realistic" action of the Bourne movies and Casino Royale.

And just in case people think that last one was a cop out, here's a bonus:

11) Push Hands (Chinese; directed by Ang Lee) -- Before Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, Ang Lee made this small movie about an aged taijiquan (aka tai chi ch'uan) teacher who moves in with his Americanized son and American daughter. It's a great study of cultures. Don't look for a lot of martial arts action. The martial arts in this are less spectacle and more analogy. For life. And flowing with change. And overcoming obstacles... Get it? Is this thing on? Bah, why do I bother?!

Okay, that's it. Not a top 10 (or 11), but I hope I hit a few that people haven't heard of yet and might dig. I'm sure I'll do another at some point. God knows I've seen enough movies to drum up another list.

EDIT: How did I forget Iron and Silk? The semi-autobiographical account of Mark Salzman, an American who travels to China to teach English and learn Chinese martial arts (kung fu or, more correctly in the PRC, wushu). Again, the martial arts is more an analogy for the development of the character, and less a spectacle. Don't expect to be wowed by the fight scenes. But it's a good depiction of martial arts as a transformative experience (as is Chok Dee).

Writer's Block: Bump In The Night

2007-07-26T21:41:36Z

What are you afraid of?

The fact that we seem to constantly be in need of new modifiers for the word "squid." "Giant" just isn't enough anymore. Now they're "colossal." How long before "gargantuan, ill-tempered, and loaded for bear" becomes the adjective of choice?

Writer's Block: Wedding bells are ringing

2007-06-26T18:56:43Z

What was the last wedding you went to? Were you in the wedding?

Huh. Interesting feature. Apparently, if I can't find something to blog about, LiveJournal just gives me a topic. Okey dokey. Why not?

My friends James and Nicole got married in Niagara-on-the-Lake, Canada. A couple of years ago now, I guess. And yes, I was in the wedding. I was a groomsman.

Coincidentally, that was also the last time I 1) stayed up until 3am, 2) roomed with lesbians, and 3) had to use my passport. (Those three things being in no way, shape, or form related.)

apoweyn @ 2007-06-15T12:48:00

2007-06-15T16:54:13Z

You know, this job search thing would probably be a lot more entertaining if I treated writing my resume like making an RPG character.

Name: ap Oweyn
Class: 10th level editor/writer (dual classed); with two levels of mental health counselor
Diety: The All-Mighty Dollar (I gots ta get paid!)

Skills: Longsword, archery, HTML, martial arts, GPO style guide, firearms (paintball), group counseling, drive (car), keyboarding (60 wpm)

Equipment: Red pencils (+2 against bad grammar)

References: Available upon ye quest

---

There! Done.

Crimson Rivers: Angels of the Apocalypse (movie review)

2007-06-13T18:01:04Z

Crimson Rivers: Angels of the Apocalypse (2004)

Directed by Olivier Dahan
Starring Jean Reno, Benoît Magimel, Christopher Lee

The sequel to Crimson Rivers (2000), Angels of the Apocalypse sees Commissaire Pierre Niemans embroiled in another murder investigation with more twists and turns than… something that seems applicable.

This time, he finds himself partnered with rookie police inspector Reda and religious studies expert Marie as they investigate a series of brutal murders, the victims of which all share the names and occupations of the disciples of Christ. The story begins with a body found bricked into a monastery wall and expands to encompass the breaking of the seven seals and the discovery of a book supposedly written by God.

I’m going to get the criticism out of the way early, because I really enjoyed this film and I’d rather end with the praise. The story makes very little sense to me. Even as I’m writing a brief synopsis of it, I keep thinking ‘that makes no sense.’ Personally (and maybe strangely) that didn’t bother me much at the time. And not much more now. In any event, it’s pretty clear that the filmmakers had more luck crafting a cool action movie than they did crafting a masterful storyline. (We are talking about a script written by Luc Besson, though, so if I were a betting man, I’d have wagered on a fantastic action move in the first place.)

My main problem with the storyline isn’t actually that it seems unlikely. I’m fine with unlikely storylines. Try working up an appreciation for martial arts, horror, and action movies without that vital attribute. But the characters seem completely disjointed from the material. It’s a story about discovering the most unbelievable treasure in the world. (Granted, it may have gotten lost in the subtitles from French that the book isn’t literally considered to be the work of God, but it’s still pretty damn important.) And the characters don’t approach it with nearly the weight you see in, say, The DaVinci Code (which is pretty similar, including the presence of a police inspector played by Jean Reno, as it happens).

Marie, the expert on Christian mythology, seems to know all about the current situation (which is, presumably, why she was called in to begin with) but doesn’t seem particularly fazed by it. So when the heroic trio recover a pendant belonging to Lothaire II, which Marie informs us is actually a key to the resting place of this book, she’s very matter-of-fact about it. It comes off sounding akin to this:

Me: “Hey Brian, can you give me a hand moving this dresser?”
Brian: “Sure. Doesn’t look that heavy though.”
Me: “Yeah, it shouldn’t be. But it turns out the bottom drawer is a gateway to Narnia.”
Brian. “Huh. Okay then. Where are we putting it?”

All that said, the mystery is still engaging enough that I wanted to see how it played out. Even if I didn’t think it carried the gravitas it should have (assuming I’m using that word correctly, and that isn’t likely).

On to the action (and the praise): Jean Reno is excellent. I love this guy. Have done ever since The Professional (aka León). La Femme Nikita, Ronin, Wasabi, etc. The guy’s just cool. It’s been proven. By science.

Then there’s Reda. He was a surprise hit. Benoît Magimel may be a well-known actor in France. But I’d certainly never heard of him. So it was a welcome surprise when, in the intro scene for Reda, he engages in one of the best “realistic” fight sequences I’ve seen in a long time. If you’re a fan of the fight sequences in The Bourne Identity and Supremacy or the latest Bond film—Casino Royale—you’ll probably enjoy this one. Speaking of Casino Royale, Angels of the Apocalypse also features a really good foot chase in which parkour features heavily. Not surprisingly, the prey in that chase is played by none other than Besson favourite Cyril Raffaelli, who played a villain opposite Jet Li in Besson’s Kiss of the Dragon, but really came into his own as a hero in the more recent parkour/martial arts crossover Banlieu 13 (known to American audiences, who apparently can’t be trusted to pronounce French words, simply as B13).

Raffaelli, though, doesn’t get any face time in this movie. Had I not seen his name in the credits, I’m not sure I would’ve known it was him. (After all, parkour originate in France, and they’ve probably got a lot of parkour artists over there.) He plays one (or more) of the mysterious hooded monks who consistently foil our heroes’ efforts to unravel the murder case. He’s always donning a cowl and robes, so you never see his features. Sounds like a small thing, but it really is very effective in making the monks seem like a real menace. (That and their ability to leap from buildings, launch Reda with a kick, and shoot crossbows with deadly accuracy, that is.)

[Spoiler alert] Christopher Lee, not surprisingly, does a nice job as the nefarious mastermind behind it all. This guy could play “evil” in his sleep. And while he doesn’t get as much screen time as I might have liked, he does handle what little menace isn’t already taken care of by the faceless monks.

This movie does suffer from one of the most literal “deus ex machina” endings I’ve ever seen. And some viewers may find it a little disappointing. But on balance, Reno and Magimel have enough charisma and the film enough action that (if you’re anything like me) you’ll be very inclined to forgive this movie its shortcomings for the sake of a roof-jumping, clip-emptying, car-bombing good time.

If Die Hard had ever sidled up to The DaVinci Code in a bar, after The DaVinci Code had recently been dumped and was feeling particularly vulnerable, Crimson Rivers: Angels of the Apocalypse would likely have been the (French) result.

Domo arigato

2007-06-13T16:44:03Z

My birthday was Monday. I'm now closer to 40 than to 30. Which doesn't bother me in the slightest, strangely enough. My mother-in-law gave me a card that, when opened, plays "domo arigato, Mr. Roboto." When they show the commercials on tellie for the musical greeting cards, the whole thing looks pretty inspidid. But sitting at our kitchen table, my wife and 2-year-old daughter laughing as I "do the robot", it's difficult to imagine a better greeting card. Hell, yesterday, my daughter was still dancing around the kitchen to that song.

Thank you, Eighties. Thank you, Styx. And thank you, Sally.

Jedi

2007-06-11T17:44:32Z

I've just spent my lunch break browsing Star Wars fan art. Some of which is extremely well done. But man alive, if I see one more "warrior" character wielding improbable bladed weapons and striking bizarre poses, I'm going to... probably keep browsing. (Take that!)

Darius Darkbladestorm, Sabre Dancer of the Bloodtears Cabal... aka Stuart

Working definition of philosophy

2007-06-08T13:45:54Z

Philosophy (n) Exercise in which one or more individuals attempt to devise the most circuitous and confrontational way of saying "I don't know."

Geek hierarchy

2007-06-07T21:09:46Z

Brunching Shuttlecocks did a very funny geek hierarchy that I just came across. It started me thinking (not for the first time) that there really is such a thing. I'm not positive about the actual hierarchy part. Personally, I'm not sure I can judge who's superior: the guy who can perform all of Eddie Gordo's fighting combinations on... whatever game features Eddie Gordo? Or the guy who can tell you, scene by scene, where the Lord of the Rings films diverge from the books.

I can't do either one, so who am I to judge?

My conception would probably be more of a Venn diagram than a hierarchy. There would be a circle for all the obvious groups. Fans of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, roleplayers, people who know what the term "browncoat" refers to. (I'd be in all those circles, by the way.) Then there would be a circle (at least) for "athleeks." Adherents of things that are actually physically very challenging but still fringe enough to be geeky. (Actually, "fringe" alone doesn't cover it, unless you want to consider skateboarders and parkour artists as geeks. And while I certainly wouldn't object, my gut reaction is that they aren't. Well... maybe the skateboarders. But those parkour guys are cool as ice.)

So what constitutes geek athletics? I don't know. Maybe it requires a certain amount of simulation or... appropriately enough, roleplay. I'd count martial arts, fencing, and paintball as geek athletics. (Again, I'm an avid fan of all three.) I'm sure there are people who train fencing purely because it's a competitive sport. Same with paintball tournies. Or various competitive martial arts. But seriously, like I'm the only one who's convinced that my friends and I, geared up for paintball, constitute a faithful recreation of the team from Predator. Or that one day, my office building really will be stormed by ninja waiting to be felled by one well-placed blow after another. And don't even consider questioning whether my swash ever comes unbuckled. DON'T DO IT.

I'm not really going anywhere with any of this. But when you think about it, even a Venn diagram starts to get pretty damn hazy in a universe where athleeks possess both physical prowess and an encyclopaedic knowledge of Lovecraft and where avid baseball fans furiously scribble notes, calculate percentages, and design fantasy teams to pit against one another.

I originally wrote "pitt" in that last sentence. Then realized that I'd accidentally typed the title of an obscure comic book series. Another circle for that increasingly useless diagram.

Things I'm Prone to Do That Friends Should Probably Prevent Me Doing

2007-04-23T12:29:45Z

#1: Starting up conversations with British people based on the fact that I'm also British. I was 10 years old when I moved to the United States. I don't sound British. I know sod all about British politics, pop culture, geography, or history. And I can't possibly hold up half a conversation beyond saying "I was born there." So any such conversation gets forced right around sentence number two, leaving me looking like a big ol' wannabe. Which, of course, is stunningly accurate. I would love to still have my accent. And to be "more British." On some level, it is and always will be home. I will always consider myself English. But in terms of the rest of the world, I'm about as British as Kobe Bryant's sweatband. Any efforts to look otherwise make me, instead, look like a big goon. So if any of you observe that I might be thinking of doing such a thing (evident by the clearly forced stiffening of an upper lip), STOP ME.

13 Bullets (book review)

2007-04-18T15:56:51Z

13 Bullets: A Vampire Tale by David Wellington

I hadn't read anything by David Wellington before this, except for the first couple of entries in his web-based novel Monster Island. But that was enough to convince me that I'd probably dig whatever else he wrote.

I wasn't wrong.

It's funny. The subtitle, "A Vampire Tale", gives the impression (to me at least) that it's going to be almost fairy tale-like. (Granted, it's obviously going to be one of the original, dark fairy tales and not a Disneyed fairy tale.) In any event, it's not. It's a very modern tale of vampires, vampire hunters, and everyone trapped in between.

The story revolves around Pennsylvania State Trooper Laura Caxton and her sudden forced partnership with Special Deputy Arkeley of the U.S. Marshalls. Caxton runs afoul of vampires (which are a recognized and accepted phenomenon in this world, though SPOILER ALERT: there's thought to be only one remaining, and she's in captivity). And she's recruited by Arkeley to assist him in his investigations. Arkeley is the sole survivor of a much earlier investigation into, and subsequent slaying of, another vampire. And he's recognized as the resident expert on the matter.

Without going further into the plot, here's what I like about the book: It managed to buck a lot of my expectations. Which isn't easy, given the basic familiarity of the subject matter. You've got the grizzled old vampire hunter, it's true. And the doe-eyed neophyte who gets taken under his sometimes harsh wing. Certainly, we've seen that before. John Carpenter's Vampires leaps to mind (which, I think, is based on another novel, but I'm not familiar with it). Like James Woods' character in the film, Arkeley isn't very likeable. But he certainly does know what he's doing. And I have to say that, even given these obvious comparisons, Arkeley's cold and calculating treatment of the situation and everyone involved took me by surprise. And I dug it.

Then there's Trooper Caxton. Strong female leads in horror are by now (and thankfully) commonplace nowadays. Even within the very specific vampire subgenre, you've got one very obvious example in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. That's pretty much where the similarity ends though. Caxton isn't played for laughs. Nor does she exactly throw the female horror character stereotype on its ear, the way Joss Whedon sought to do with Buffy. Caxton is still often a victim of the situation. She doesn't get many derisive one-liners. And she certainly doesn't get to spinning kick any vamps in the head. It's not that kind of story. But she is a compelling protagonist, largely because Wellington does a nice job of making her a real person. The kind of character you'd give a crap about if, for example, she were to be mauled to (un)death by a vampire.

Caxton is a lesbian. I mention this not solely as an example of her un-Buffy-ness. But the details of her personal life, primarily her relationship with her partner Deanna, form much of the context that make you give a rip about her in the first place. At least, it did for me. This part of Caxton's life clearly isn't the focus of the story, but it does lend weight to her character, giving her more to reflect than just either victim or victor. It also, somehow, removed her as a focal point for sexy. The horror genre often hinges on sexy people being in danger. But I never got the sense that Caxton fell into that category. (Though the ladies certainly seem to dig her.) She's certainly not written as the sort of lesbian that prompts normally rational men to say "cool! a lesbian." She's actually a normal person who just happens to love another woman.

Then there's the vampires themselves. Funnily enough, I would have thought that they would have been the hardest stereotype of all to break. But Wellington managed just the opposite. He reinvented the vampire in a way that's alien and genuinely scary again. We've seen so many variations on the theme by now: Heavily accented Eastern European noblemen (Bela Lugosi, for starters), vermin-like bald-headed ghouls (Nosferatu and Shadow of the Vampire), melancholic "behold my woe" goth types (thanks very much Ann Rice), and uber-hip runway models (Angel and Blade's Deacon Frost). What we get in 13 Bullets is [SPOILERS] unlike any of them, though it obviously shares some characteristics.

The two closest influences I can think of are the reapers from Benecio del Toro's turn at the Blade franchise and a treatment I saw years ago for another screen version of Richard Matheson's I Am Legend. I have no idea whether that treatment led to the Will Smith version due out later this year(?)

I've been sitting here trying to think of how best to describe Wellington's vampires. But you know what? Forget that. Learning about them was probably the most satisfying part of reading the book. So do that instead. I'll just say that the book has some great psychological, physiological, and historical characterizations of its vampires. Well worth the read.

The book cover says that this book is the first in a trilogy. So I'll be eagerly anticipating the next one. In the meantime, I'll be reading Monster Island. Or watching Buffy. Could go either way, really.

Simple Question

2007-04-17T16:59:37Z

Why is it that the only button within reach of my two-year-old daughter in any elevator is the "Alarm" button?

The Great Challenge (movie review)

2007-04-11T16:16:18Z

The Great Challenge (2004)
Directed by Julien Seri
Starring Williams Belle, Châu Belle Dinh, Malik Diouf, Guylain N'Guba-Boyeke, and Elodie Yung

So, I’ve had a lot of luck recently with French action movies (Banlieu 13), Thai martial arts movies (Ong Bak, Tom Yum Goong, Bang Rajan), and even French movies about Thai martial arts (Chok Dee). So I thought that a movie about a bunch of French parkour guys who go to Thailand and get embroiled in a war between the Japanese yakuza and the local Thai gangs would be a sure hit.

Not so much. But before I get ahead of myself, for those of you who haven’t heard of it before:

Parkour—Otherwise known as “free-running.” Essentially, parkour is a way of moving through an urban landscape using the environment to keep things interesting. Jumping from one roof top to another, somersaulting off of walls, leaping off of elevated stairways, etc. Reminds me of freestyle skateboarding or rollerblading, except that the originators of parkour are very vocal about its value as a form of expression and moving meditation. Like yoga, except with postures like “way downward dog” and “leaping over the hood of a Lotus position.”

You can see good examples of parkour in action in the aforementioned Banlieu 13 (released in the United States as B13) or the brilliant foot chase scene in the beginning of the most recent addition to the James Bond franchise, Casino Royale.

The movie opens in France, with a huge group of parkour guys playing a ball game on the city rooftops that, presumably, was specifically designed to get them all killed. Miraculously, they survive. And one of them approaches several others with an idea his has for going to Thailand, opening a parkour gym, and offering free classes to the local youth.

Don’t you dare think about that. Whatever your gut feeling is to that plot, it isn’t likely to improve with further consideration.

The leader of the group is played by Williams Belle, who I expect (though I’m no expert) is related to David Belle, the parkour expert in Banlieu 13. Hard to imagine that there are two high-level experts in something as new as parkour with the same name. But what do I know. Maybe every third person in Paris is named Belle. I digress.

Williams Belle doesn’t have quite the charisma or physical prowess of David. And, as the movie progresses, it quickly ceases to center on him anyway. So I was a bit surprised by the initial focus anyway. The gang goes to Thailand, sets up shop in a vacant barn, and goes out for a free run in the city. Almost immediately, they climb up the wrong set of scaffolding, run afoul of the Thai gangs, and land themselves in trouble with the leader of the gang, Kien (played by Châu Belle Dinh). It doesn’t help matters that Kien’s sister Tsu takes a fancy to one of the parkourists(?) and helps him escape from danger.

After that, some of the parkour crew decide that this was a stupid idea and vacate the premises. Some resolve to stay. One learns muay thai in an afternoon (or so it seems in the training montage). And one decides to seek out a remote Buddhist monastery. (Note I’m not going to great pains to differentiate one from another. That’s partly because I can’t remember and partly because so few of these guys actually seem central to the plot anyway.)

On the other side of the aisle, there’s Kien. He and his gang have been loyal servants of the local yakuza (Japanese organized crime syndicate). But Tsu has been having increasing misgivings and wants out. When she begins gravitating towards the French parkourists, Kien has even more cause to go after them. But [SPOILER WARNING] eventually, they all come to realize that the real enemy is a young yakuza boss who’s trying to make a big move and elevate himself in the ranks.

The film culminates with a three-way battle between the Thai gangs, the yakuza, and our heroes (the parkour group, Tsu, and a somewhat reluctant Kien).

Plot make your head hurt? Right there with ya.

But let’s be honest here. I wasn’t after plot anyway. I was after action. And in the first few minutes, I thought I was in luck. Two black-clad burglars sneak into an office building, dispatching guards with the sort of bone-crunching magic that makes me love Ong Bak so very much. Unfortunately (and suspiciously, given that the two characters are supposed to be Kien and Tsu, but the actors are completely masked and could well have been stunt people), that’s probably the best fight sequence in the film.

Part of the problem, I suppose, is that the film isn’t really designed to showcase muay thai. It’s designed to showcase parkour. And while it’s pretty obvious that you can craft a thoroughly entertaining fight scene around using the environment in your defense (see chapter 1 of 1001 Things I’ve Learned from Jackie Chan’s Movie Career), many of the schticks in this movie, we’ve seen before. We’ve seen the scaffold fight in Rush Hour 2, for instance. But better done, because Chan is able to carry off the environmental stuff and blend it seamlessly with actual movie fighting. Whereas these guys seemed a lot more awkward in the actual fight scenes, so that you see a fairly impressive stunt followed by an unconvincing kick or punch, then another breathtaking leap, and another thoroughly uncompelling attack.

Even the stunts themselves didn’t feel all that compelling. The movie suffers from the same affliction that many John Woo rip-offs do. There’s an artificiality in the setups that just doesn’t work. The way the main character reaches the top of the bannister that you know he’s about to slide down. The way that wheeled gurney just happens to be sitting within slow-motion dive of the doorway as the hero comes rushing in. That sort of thing. The Great Challenge feels the same way. “Here’s the scene where they do this one really cool thing from parkour. And then the scene where they do this other thing…” It doesn’t ring true.

The genius of a John Woo gun fight, and of the more recent uses of parkour in Casino Royale and Banlieu 13, is that they manage to make the setups not look like setups. It looks continuous and natural (given the highly unnatural setup of the plot obviously). Much of that comes down to directing and, in all likelihood, editing. I think The Great Challenge could have benefited from a bit more of both.

It’s a shame. I wanted to like this movie. I always enjoy the emergence of a new subgenre of a favourite genre. And this movie ostensibly fit into three subgenres I like. French action cinema (e.g., The Nest), Thai martial arts cinema, and parkour. But it didn’t really serve as a great example of any one of them.

All that said, I hope that The Great Challenge is still indicative of the sorts of movies we can expect to see from that market in the future. With some more polish, it could have been a thoroughly enjoyable action flick. And it’s quite possible that the next similar film will be just that.

Dark Assassin (movie review)

2007-04-11T15:15:28Z

Dark Assassin

Written and Directed by Jason Yee
Starring Jason Yee and Cung Le

I recently saw this movie described as the El Mariachi of kung fu (referring to the debut film of guerrilla director Robert Rodriguez). And I think that’s pretty accurate, though I doubt very seriously that Dark Assassin will enjoy the cult following that El Mariachi does.

Jason Yee wrote, directed, and starred in this very obvious (and openly admitted) homage to Bruce Lee. Yee is a champion sanshou fighter out of Boston. Sanshou is a Chinese kickboxing format that allows punching, kicking, and throws, and Yee’s Boston team is one of the premier teams in the United States.

Yee plays Derek Wu, a former hitman who goes to prison for a stretch and is released a changed man. All he wants is to find a decent job and a place to stay. Unfortunately, around the same time he gets out, former associates of his start turning up evicerated. As if by a sword, which sadly was Wu’s modus operandi before he got caught. (Note to all cinematic hitmen: Maybe a signature weapon isn’t the way to go here. Standing out in the crowd isn’t really the boon that it might be for, say, an ad executive.)

Naturally, Wu is immediately the prime suspect of the local police detectives, who remember him well from his early days as a thug, and the crime syndicate who’s members are being routinely killed. The rest of the movie is essentially Yee’s efforts to 1) reclaim his life (i.e., find a job, get a place to stay, not get his romantic interest killed, etc.), 2) clear his name with the PD and/or local gangs, and 3) work out who the real killer is and why they’re doing it (a detail that, for the life of me, I can’t remember).

So the setup isn’t terribly complicated. Nor should it be. Martial arts stories are generally frameworks to show us the actual martial arts fights. And Dark Assassin is no exception. We get the training montages, as Wu works out his frustration on heavy bags, focus mitts, and sparring partners. We get weapons, as Wu squares off with the katana-wielding assassin using his aforementioned signature weapon(s). Two machetes. And we get the obligatory (but thoroughly appreciated) scenes where Wu ploughs his way through a small army of mooks.

The sword fights were a nice touch. Personally, I think double machetes are a pretty unlikely combination for this sort of thing. I might have gone with a knife fight or something. But what it does do is give Jason Yee an opportunity to showcase his traditional Chinese martial arts skills, in addition to his more contemporary sanshou kickboxing. And the final scene turned out very nicely, largely thanks to the assassin’s overall physical prowess (despite probably not having much specific training in Japanese swordsmanship).

Another high point of the fight scenes is that Yee took the opportunity to call on many of his friends (and sometime opponents) from the sanshou circuit. When Wu gets out of jail, he blows off some steam and attempts to raise some cash by fighting in an underground sanshou bout with real-life sanshou fighter Rudi Ott, formerly one of Yee’s real-life students and teammates and later student and teammate of Yee’s frequent real-life opponent Cung Le.

Speaking of Cung Le, enough with the mystery. Our “dark assassin” is played by the well-known (in sanshou circles) Le himself. And he doesn’t disappoint. Cung Le is one of the most dynamic competitive fighters I’ve come across. And even though sanshou is not a very easy format to find as a spectator (compared with muay thai or mixed martial arts, for instance), it’s well worth the effort.

Cung Le doesn’t have many lines in the movie, which is probably a good thing. Like Mike Tyson, Cung Le sounds nothing like you’d expect him to, given his build and skills. That’s not a criticism (just in case Le is reading this). He sounds perfectly normal (unlike Mike Tyson, actually). He just doesn’t sound particularly menacing.

Surprisingly, though, Le does have a real knack for comedy. You won’t see it in Dark Assassin. But if you’re interested, Le appears in one episode of Kwoon (www.kwoon.com), a series of web-based kung fu comedy shorts written, directed, produced by, and starring Todd Roy. They’re actually very funny. And the choreography is better than most movies I’ve seen, thanks to fighters like Cung Le and the expert choreography of Onassis Parungao, who also stars in the series.

Back to Dark Assassin. Sanshou fans will probably also recognize Boston sanshou fighter Marvin Perry (though I have to say, he’s much bigger than I thought he was) in a cameo appearance.

All the big name fighters are great. But I’m also a fan of a good mook fight. You know the mooks. Those hapless goons who’s job it is to rush at the hero in droves, only to get taken out by one well-placed blow after another. You just can’t argue with a scene that ends with the hero standing in the middle of a sea of incapacitated goons.

The best example of this in Dark Assassin is also the clearest example of Yee’s homage to Bruce Lee. And it’s faithful enough to obviously be an homage rather than simply a rip-off. The scene begins with a close-in shot of Yee’s face, then he moves to hit two or three poor sods who haven’t even made it into the camera frame yet. By the time we see them, they’re out cold. Sound familiar? It should do to any Bruce Lee fans out there. It’s a very precise re-creation of the first few seconds of the tunnel fight in Enter the Dragon. But don’t worry. While Yee’s choreography sets the stage with a clear reference to Enter the Dragon, he quickly veers off into his own choreography. The influence of the original is clear throughout the scene, including Yee’s use of the long staff at one point. But Yee also showcases some maneuvers from both traditional kung fu and sanshou kickboxing, both of which distinguish him from Lee.

I don’t really have any criticisms of this movie. Given Yee’s multiple responsibilities as writer, director, and actor; his status as a first-time filmmaker; and his ability to recruit some genuinely impressive talent, it’s a really good first effort. I hope he has more in store.

If I had to say one thing about being disappointed, though, it’s that Yee seems to want to pack in more references than he really has the resources to do. I say that based on one scene later in the movie. It’s one of the very few gun fights, which takes place in an empty warehouse. In fact, it’s not really a gun fight at all. The gun action is over in a matter of moments, with Yee emptying two automatics (in a clear nod to John Woo) and Le emptying one before they get down to the melee.

I know from watching the behind-the-scenes features on the DVD that Jason Yee was also a bit disappointed. He said that, due to scheduling conflicts and budget, he ended up having to skimp a bit on the ending. But, again, Rodriguez said precisely the same sorts of things about El Mariachi. And look at him now.

Yee also mentions that, in some scenes, he plays the assassin himself (conveniently dressed in ninja garb) because of scheduling issues for Cung Le. (The movie was filmed in Yee’s native Boston, while Cung Le calls California home base.)

All in all, Dark Assassin is a surprisingly good first effort. The real-life fighters do a nice job of translating their skills to the screen (which is not always easy; Don “The Dragon” Wilson, I’m looking at you). The choreography is well thought out and entertaining. The dialogue isn’t nearly as weak as other actioners I’ve seen (though it won’t be winning any awards). And Jason Yee has enough acting chops to pull off a convincing lead character.

Yee is also successful enough in emulating Bruce Lee (which is aided a great deal by Yee’s physical appearance) that, if the rumours of another Bruce Lee biopic (the first being Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story) are true, I think Yee would be a perfect candidate for the lead role. And given the weight that my opinion undoubtedly carries in Hollywood, that job is as good as his.

Weekend Warrior

2007-03-05T14:03:29Z

I've got to stop getting all my exercise on the weekends. I'm exhausted. Mind you, not everything I did this weekend was very virtuous. Saturday morning was arnis class. It's not very intense, but we were there for about four hours. So I got a fair amount of exercise in that time.

Managed to undo most of it later the same day. Went to play pool with Mike K and Chris, and ate one of the most reprehensible dinners I could dream up. Nachos, buffalo wings, onion rings, club sandwich... Curiously, I drank almost nothing but water all night. I doubt that balances out, but still.

Fast forward to Sunday (since our wild ass "guy's night out" wrapped up at 11pm, because we're kuh-razy!) Played racquetball with Mike K at noon. And went to a muay thai kickboxing class at 2pm. Did better than I had expected on both counts.

Rounded it all out with a relatively innocuous dinner with friends last night, two glasses of wine, and roughly six hours of sleep. And here I stand... sit... sleep. Zzz...

Warning: Another Arnis Post

2007-03-03T21:59:41Z

You non-martial arts enthusiasts have been warned. Dull post ahead.

I was at arnis practice this morning. And the teacher was late showing up. Some delay on the metro apparently. Anyway, rather than having the people who were there stand around twiddling thumbs, I showed them a couple of drills to practice. And so went much of the practice, even after the teacher showed up. He worked with the beginners and I led some of the more experienced people through some training ideas.

Here's the thing that struck me (so to speak). And I say this as no criticism to anyone involved (though I'm afraid it'll sound that way anyway). Based on my experiences teaching martial arts over the years, I've come to the slow conclusion that the vast majority of people who train have NO INTEREST in applying this stuff. I don't mean entering the ring and duking it out. And I certainly don't mean getting mugged or assaulted. I mean simply sparring or doing what we call freestyle.

There's a progression in martial arts training. To my mind, it works best when you go from most structured and delineated, progress through less structure and more freestyle, and end with a handful of rules to preserve everyone's safety, but a blank canvas in terms of how people move. It's then that people really get to explore their own particular "style", learn how to move with intent, and so on.

What I'm finding, though, is that in the populations I often teach, people would much rather concentrate on performing the drills than on working toward freestyle. I can completely understand that in a way. Drills have rules and roles. They have parameters. You have some basis for knowing whether you're doing it right or wrong that doesn't involve getting clobbered or clobbering someone. And they come to represent a body of knowledge. In other words, you can say (whether you would literally say this or not) "I know arnis, based on my ability to perform sumbrada drills, abecedario drills, sayaw..."

Without those things, the basis for saying you know arnis hinges on your standing opposite some guy with a common goal and actually going at it. Even with padded sticks and safety equipment, that's an intense, scary proposition.

This kind of adds to my appreciation of competitive martial arts (e.g., boxing, fencing, MMA, judo, etc.) Anyone who knows me knows that I'm not a sportsman. Never have been. I'd much rather read a book than compete. But what I admire about competitive martial artists is that they're masters of performance-based training. It doesn't matter how well you perform this sequence of movements or how crisp you look doing that drill. What matters is whether you can take that experience and translate it into the ability to clobber someone (or choke them out, or toss them around, or whatever the modus operandi is for your chosen style).

It's not that I think there's anything reprehensible in not wanting to go that direction. I think, first and foremost, that martial arts are a hobby. In this day and age, I'm not likely to be fighting off bandits (or even muggers). I do this because I like it. And that rationale leaves a lot of room for saying "I just want to stick to these drills, thanks."

On the other hand, I feel like that's tantamount to taking dance classes in readiness for the big high school dance, and then standing on the sidelines the whole night casting sidelong glances at the girl you dig. Makes me want to scream "Get in there! That's where the fun is!"

Or as Kevin Bacon so succinctly put it in Footloose: "Let's DANCE!!"

Polyglot

2007-03-03T21:35:17Z

I got my hair cut this morning. It's one of my favourite activities. It's like all my stress is stored up in my hair. So when my hair's gone, I've got much less to worry about. Odd I know.

Anyway, I usually sit in the chair, tell the stylist what clipper lengths I want, and then close my eyes. Last time, the stylist told me I fell asleep. I really didn't. But I like the quiet of getting my hair cut.

It isn't really quiet though. Not at all. Sitting there with my eyes shut, I just listen. The conversation is constant. And, at least at my current Hair Cuttery, it's very multicultural. There are stylists there from all points of the globe. At a glance, there are Middle Eastern, Vietnamese, and Hispanic stylists there. And listening to them try to casually chat with one another (none of them having an iron grip on the one language they tentatively share), my first thought was "man, they must drive each other completely round the bend; none of them can really make out what the other is saying and they're constantly asking for clarification."

Then it occurred to me what a rare and, in some ways, amazing thing that is. Here's a room full of people who are incapable of assuming they know what the other is saying. Instead, they're forced to listen attentively, ask for clarification, and be fully, actively present in the conversation.

How frigging cool is that?! No reacting to what YOU THINK the other person means. No zoning out until it's your turn to talk again. No reading into and beyond what's actually stated. Just listening and responding. That, ladies and gents, is how I think conversations are supposed to work.

Enter the Analogy

2007-03-01T02:33:09Z

So, this probably won't be of much interest to anyone who doesn't live in or near Alexandria, Virginia. But if you do happen to live here, check out Rustico's. Their roast beef and cheese grilled sandwich thing... Let's just say that if Bruce Lee were a grilled cheese sandwich, he'd be THIS grilled cheese sandwich.

Marvels of the Internet

2007-02-12T18:15:05Z

I've long been convinced that nobody actually reads this blog. That it's purely a vanity project. And, essentially, I've been fine with that. Why should I expect that anybody outside of my circle of friends (who are somewhat obliged to check this out anyway) would give a rip about what I write?

I'm sure that comes off as either false modesty or low self esteem. I'm sure it's not the former. The latter is still in the running though.

In any event, I was just going back over some old entries. Including a review I wrote of Sarah Pinborough's excellent "Breeding Ground." Lo and behold, there was one comment. From the author. I only wish I were better about actually looking for comments to these things. Would've been nice to actually respond to her.

That's all. Just wanted to say how cool that was.

The Good, The Bad, and the Bloody Fantastic

2007-02-12T17:55:27Z

The Good: I rolled out of bed at 6am this morning, threw on enough clothing to make Nanook proud, and went to register my daughter with a well-loved local preschool. So well loved, in fact, that one bloke arrived at 4am for a process that was ostensibly due to begin at 8:30am. Highly competitive, this is. Anyway, I was number 11 in line, and I think we're good to go. Put a check in the Victory column.

The Bad: Last time I saw my parents, my father gave me a print out of an email conversation he'd been having with my godfather in England. He gave me the printout so I'd have his address and could email him myself. So, while I was doing paperwork this morning, I thought I'd drop my godfather an email, store his address, and feed the hard copy into the shredder... Turns out you need to do that in a fairly specific order. I'm. An. Idiot.

The Bloody Fantastic: While I was shredding papers (and prior to "the incident") my 2-year-old daughter came up to me, gave me a big hug, and said "I'm very proud of you." Man, if there's a bigger high than that, I can't afford it. And wouldn't want it if I could.

Zombies!!! House Rules

2006-11-08T23:49:12Z

Twilight Creations' Zombies!!! is a really fun game. Until about Hour 3. Then it begins to drag. So my friend Matt and I devised a few house rules in an effort to speed things up a bit. Presented here for your consideration.

1) When you die and go back to town square, as written in the rules, we place a zombie in the nearest empty square to where you were killed. That's 'zombie you.' Of course, zombie you is no different from zombie anyone else. But it doesn't seem right to have someone killed in the zombie genre without turning afterward.

2) Each player has two characters. Their turns are staggered. All cards go into a pool rather than being kept separate between the two personas. That means you can play two cards in any given turn (as each character can play one card per round at any time during that round). That allows for combos essentially. The best example I've seen is playing a card that immobilizes all the zombies and then a car card that allows your player to move 10 spaces. But you could use combos to hose the other players too. Something like a card that makes the opponent fumble their shotgun then doubles the number of zombies in the building with them or makes them twice as difficult to kill.

Addendum to Rule 2) If you've got four people playing, each would play one character, but you'd play as teams. So that, together, you could put together useful combinations of cards.

3) (Matt thought this up.) Once one of your characters makes it to the helipad, you can essentially make a choice as a group. If you're tired of playing, then that dude just won. Otherwise, he then has to wait for his teammate. In the meantime, waves of zombies are going to attack the helicopter (if the other players, who are still moving zombies, have anything to say about it). So he's risking his resources (which aren't replenishing now that he's sitting still and not entering stores) fighting off the zombie hoard. While the other guy struggles to get there. The ideal, then, is that both of your characters are fairly close together on the board, so there's not much lag time.

4) The other possibility is that another player reaches the helicopter already occupied by the first player's character. In that case, it's a fight between characters. Keep rolling opposing rolls. The higher roll wins, but you can keep spending bullets to up your roll or hearts to reroll until you've expended your resources. Essentially, it's a battle of resources. You roll a 5 and I roll a 3. I spend three bullets to get 6. You can't buy up above 6 because it's a six-sided die. And a draw goes to the guy who naturally rolled that number. So if you rolled a 5 and I rolled a 3, I can't just use 2 bullets to get to 5 for a draw. A draw isn't rerolled. It goes to you because you actually rolled the 5. And I can't spend five bullets to get to 7 either. The only rerolls result from spending a heart token.

5) I forgot to mention it earlier, but bullets and hearts are also pooled between the characters as well. If one guy uses all your bullets, I'd hate to be the other guy.

6) The helipad is placed in the middle of the deck. So after it's placed, there are still road tiles you can use to try and build an alternate route to the helipad (though the one time we've tried this, we didn't get an alternate route).

Okay, there you have it. Do with this what you will.

There is no "I" in "quit." Except that one.

2006-11-02T20:40:47Z

A couple of weeks ago, I was talking to some friends and family about quitting martial arts. To anybody who knows me, that's probably pretty surprising. (The reactions I got certainly looked surprised.) I've been training since I was 13 years old, so that's about 23 years in. (That's not to say I've trained daily or without some significant hiatus...es(?) But really, that doesn't matter. The point is that I've been at it a bloody long time.

Why quit then? I've been really frustrated with this arnis club I've participated in. I think I've described some of that elsewhere in this blog. If I haven't, sod it. I don't feel like getting into it here. Suffice it to say that the politics and egos (my own included) have been getting me down. And even when I'm in a position to teach my own class, I'm not very satisfied with it. So something needs to change. The whole thing was beginning to feel like an albatross around my neck.

Quitting seemed logical. Maybe it's time to explore some new hobbies. (Yeah, I consider martial arts a hobby. People who insist it's a "way of life" generally seem, to me, to be taking themselves too seriously.) I've been meaning to get more into writing, drawing, and gaming (all of which I'm involved in already, to some degree).

But I'm probably kidding myself if I think I'm ever going to give up martial arts entirely. They're too engrained. I've been thinking about them day in and day out for far longer than I've been thinking about virtually anything else.

So then I started thinking about when, recently, I've been most satisfied with my training. And I realized that it was when I was a student. I couldn't really lose myself in the learning process in this arnis club because I've got too much experience in arnis not to have my own opinions on how things should be done. And that dragged my ego into the mix. And the rest isn't history, but I know as much as I need to about it.

I've gotten back in touch with a muay thai teacher in the area whom I met through a mutual friend. I've long been a fan of muay thai because of the self-evidence of it. I don't need to make a leap of faith to know that a good stiff round kick to the leg is going to hurt.

More than that, these days, I'm really interested in the Thai culture. It's a good meeting ground between India and China, especially for someone who's been interested in the religions of both for a long time now.

Beyond all that, though, there's the simple idea of losing myself in a practice again. And that's independent of style. I was most satisfied with this hobby when I literally showed up to practice, put my life aside for an hour or two, and threw myself heart and soul into each and every kick, punch, and footwork pattern. I don't like to get too into the idea of spirituality in martial arts. That discussion tends to get bogged down in terminology (e.g., qigong, martial virtue, etc.) and theory. But what I'm thinking of is closer to what people call "the runner's high." That sense of connectedness you experience when things seem to achieve a sort of synchronicity.

Wow. That's a lot of babbling. I don't blame you if you skipped that last bit. In fact, I'd keenly encourage you, in retrospect, to ignore the whole thing. We'll chalk this one up to thinking to myself. On screen. On the world wide web... You know. To myself.

Things that go "honk" in the night

2006-10-26T16:22:15Z

So my 21-month-old daughter has been learning to name various animals as well as what each of them says. She's good for about 10 different animals at present. "What does a doggie say?" "Woof!" That sort of thing.

Anyway, I taught her that a goose says "honk." And, of course, this being Halloween, we've got the place decorated with pumpkins, ghosts, and that sort of thing.

My wife has started asking our daughter "what does a ghost say?" To which my daughter invariably responds "honk!"

She seems, now, to have extended that logic to all supernatural creatures. Jack o' lanterns, Frankenstein's monster, vampires. They all honk.

I think that will probably serve her well in later life. I mean seriously, if you genuinely believed that there were creatures under your bed or in your closet, but you knew that when they finally showed themselves, they were going to honk, how scared would you be?